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copyright 1991 Justin Locke An introduction. . .
Back in the days when I was supporting myself by playing in
the Boston Pops Esplanade Orchestra, my difficulties with the
personnel office (something about an "attitude problem") resulted in
my being shunted down the row several times until I found myself
closer to the brass section than I was to the other bass players. It was
there that I first began to notice a recurring reference by the brass
players to something, or someone, called "Albert Haahh." These
references consisted of using "Al Haahh" as song lyrics, the wearing
of t-shirts saying "Albert is a state of mind," and so on. While on
tour, "Albert Haahh" was frequently paged over airport PA systems,
and was also on every sign-up sheet for special meals and optional
activities.
I finally asked one of the brass section members ("Big Al") just
who "Albert Haahh" was, and he proceeded, as best he could, to
explain it to me; and I have pretty much related that information
verbatim in the first part of the story. The second part is an attempt,
by way of a parable, to introduce the listener to the realm of "Albert
Haahh." "Al Haahh," or "Albert," defies any sort of simple
definition. It is a state of mind, a state of being, an attitude
(generally very positive), an awareness, a spiritual presence, serenity;
it is all of these things and none of them. It embodies feeling and
denies explanation. To be is to Albert.
The pronunciation of "Haahh" is not terribly precise, and as of
this writing I am still not quite sure of it. The "aa" is a broad and
somewhat nasal sound similar to the "a" in "at." However, unlike the
pronunciation of that vowel in the usual way (in which the tongue
usually touches the back of the lower teeth), this "aa" requires the
tongue sticking out far enough to touch the top of the lower lip.
There is also considerable emphasis on the air flowing out making the
"hh" sound. This is adequate for most informal uses and statements
of reference to "Al Haahh;" however, there are often occasions where
an extremely formal and correct attempt at pronunciation of the name
is required. In those cases, the final "hh" sound is gradually
constricted in the throat (sort of an aborted attempt at making a "k"
sound), with the speaker usually sounding like he/she is choking.
Al Haahh--
Justin Locke
humbly transcribed by
Listen, my children, and you shall be told Some say he's man, others say he's defined But whether he is real or somewhat abstract Now I should point out that the pronunciation Some say "haah," some say "haaagcht," but that's all a
priori; Albert was born in an orchestra pit It was Carmen, or Aida, or something like that The trumpets and trombones were reading their books 'Til the part where the tenor would kiss the soprano And when their cue came, they played to perfection [music]
But the maestro looked up with a cold icy stare Then he opened his mouth, and this is a fact: The trumpet looked up and said, "What did he say?" "Perhaps," said the horn, "he wants more of our tone." With all of their gold and brass bells in the air [music]
But just as this fanfare was reaching its climax, "Huh," said the trombone. "He's really upset. "Al... aacchh," said the trumpet. "Well, it could be a
noun, Whenever he says it, it's never the same. "A name?" said the tuba. "Sounds like 'aahh Acchx' to
me. "Well," said the trumpet, "I know I'm no expert And the trombone said "Albert? Albert? Albert
Haaggxhh? "Well," said the horn, "I've never heard of Al Haahh "Me too, and me too," they all said as a section And so, this little group of professional pals There was Big Al, and Little Al, and though slightly absurd, So now, when the maestro said "al haaccht" to the
trombone If the maestro would even glance up from his score Soon the whole orchestra said, "Why do you do that?" Soon the fame of Albert Haahh had spread so far and wide
The Office of Brassology, where the boss in charge there
said, "I don't recall my having said that ANYONE was allowed
Fred, I'm giving you the job to nip this in the bud. It's your job, Fred, to make sure Albert Haahh will be
defeated. Now Fred of course did want so very much to please his
boss He walked around and followed his ears until he came
upon [music]
And then Fred asked them, with the utmost of tact: "Get him," said the trumpet, and he turned with a laugh "But sir, if you please, have you seen him about? "Well," said the horn, "what would you like to ask? "Well," said Fred, "can you tell me at all Is he, well, is he, is he even a he? Who is Albert Haahh? Please, give me a clue. "I'm afraid," said the horn, "that you're way off the
track. You don't need a hint, and you don't need suggestions. The answer, the answer, is simply. . . Al Haahh." At this moment, Fred, out of all his confusion In spite of his doubts and his shock and his fear, But just at this moment, the thing Fred most feared "Harumph," said the boss. "I've been waiting all day.
When volcanoes erupt or the hurricanes blow But sometimes, inside us, things just as momentous From saying that which we believe to be true; And he looked at his boss and he said . . .
The boss, I'm afraid, could not figure this out; [boss:]
Whoever told you . . . [tpt1, sings:] Al Haahh [--brass build triumphant chords]
[sung by brass:] This chorus of Albert was all he could take; Until some men came and they took him away Now I suppose that at this point (when all is done and said) Well--
And the moral of this story is, if someone asks of you Just look directly in their eye and tell them simply that Al Haahh!!
The Legend of Albert Haahh copr. 1991 Justin Locke
Return to the Justin Locke Productions
Home Page.
for brass quintet and narrator
Humbly transcribed by
Justin Locke
All Rights Reserved
Boston, Massachusetts 1991
to the Esplanade Brass,
who taught me the true meaning of "professional deportment"
The Legend of Albert Haahh
Justin Locke
of an odd but true story that is very, very old.
as, well, as a . . . uh, well, as . . . as a state of mind.
One thing is certain: His name is Al Haahh.
Of this name is the cause of some argumentation.
Let's forget about that and get on with the story.
where they were playing an opera . . . now, what was it?
that played at the birth of the great Albert Haahh.
(While keeping them hidden to dodge dirty looks)
Which was marked molto forte (the opposite of piano)
with the great big brass sound of a great big brass section.
and he frowned at the brass with his palm in the air.
He said "Aal accht! Aal acchht! acchht! acchht!"
"Not sure," said the tuba. "oops-- time to play!"
So they played their next entrance, which was them all alone.
They let all their gold and brass vibrations blare.
The conductor yelled "Axxs !! al axxh! al Axxchx! Acchx!!!"
Have you figured out what he's saying yet?"
Or perhaps it's a participle, turned upside down.
But I have a theory: I think it's a name."
What sort of name could that possibly be?"
But it sounds like.. like 'Al.' You know, like 'Albert'."
What in the world kind of name is that?"
But if he plays really loud, I'd like to be just like that."
"But we can't be the same; we will need some direction."
Each become known as their various "Al's."
There was Uncle Al, Cousin Al, and an Albert the third.
He responded by playing with bigger and bigger tone.
the brass would play louder than ever before.
And brass answered simply: [long pause] "Al Haahh."
It even travelled all the way and found itself inside
"Such tone has not been authorized," (to an employee there
named Fred.)
to ever play with such big tone, or ever play so loud.
I want the name of Albert Haah to change to Albert Mudd.
Good luck, my boy, and don't you dare come back 'til it's
completed!"
But how to go about it left him at a total loss.
This amazing group of Alberts, who played an antiphon.
"Excuse me, but I'm looking for... Albert Hact."
"Everyone is looking for . . . Albert Haugh."
There are a number of things I would like to find out."
We know a lot about . . . Albert Hask."
Is he fat, is he thin, is he wide, short, or tall?
or is he a whom or a what or . . . or is he a she?
Who is Albert Haahh? Please, I'm asking you."
Such thoughts will not lead you to . . . Albert Hack.
There is only one answer to all of your questions.
Saw something between cold hard facts and illusion.
there was something, yes something, becoming quite clear.
happened. That's right . . . Fred's boss appeared.
Let's have your report! What have you got to say?"
The networks report it, and all of us know;
occur, after which, well then, none can prevent us
And Fred said, "I've got just one thing to say to you:"
" Al Haahh ! "
And he started to scream. He started to shout.
Who do you think you . . . [tpt2:] Al Haahh
How many times do I . . . [horn:] Al Haahh
What is the big idea . . . [tbn]: Al Haahh
What is the meaning of . . . [tuba:] Al Haahh
Al Haahh, Albert Haahh, Albert Haahh, Al Haahh, Al Haahh
The boss couldn't talk; he just started to shake.
to a nice little room for a nice little stay.
You may in fact be wondering just what became of Fred.
Fred became the boss, you know, when all
of this was through;
And it should not surprise you that he's now an Albert, too.
Why you're making so much noise, well here is what you do:
The answer is
the answer is
the answer is